Tag Archives: science

Strange yellow object detected by Mars rover.

Strange object photographed by Mars rover Opportunity.
Strange object photographed by Mars rover Opportunity.

The mystery of the world famous “Rubber Duck” on Mars has at last been solved by NASA scientists. The unusual yellow object achieved worldwide fame when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere in a picture transmitted to Earth from the Mars rover Opportunity.

It turns out the strange object in reality is just an ordinary rubber duck. Because there is an extremely thin atmosphere on Mars, it’s unlikely the duck could be heard squeaking when Opportunity accidentally drove over it.

How to upload your entire brain to Google.

Human brain in a jar.
Human brain in a jar.

Some visionary futurists have predicted that in 10 years humans will be able to upload their brains to Google.

Don’t they realize it’s already possible?

1. Start a blog.

2. Sit down and quickly type everything that comes to mind. Everything. Every thought. No matter how profound or absurd or insipid. Continue typing and typing and typing until your poor, exhausted brain is completely out of ideas.

4. Publish your blog.

5. Google will index your blog.

6. Your entire, exhausted brain is uploaded to Google.

First known time traveler reports on the future.

Once living cauliflower now dead.
Once living cauliflower now dead.

The first known time traveler has returned from the future with numerous interesting observations. Perhaps the most jaw-dropping revelation is that, a hundred years from now, it is known scientifically that many plants have a highly unusual form of primitive sentience. While lacking the highly organized nervous systems found in more advanced animal lifeforms, plants have clustered bio-pathways that expedite pseudo-neural chemical interactions. These interactions perform many of the basic functions of more commonly understood cognitive systems.

In the future, anyone alive today who has ever eaten cauliflower is viewed with absolute contempt and disdain.

Have a nice day.

Amazing biotech miracle: How to grow a new penis!

You might grow two penises.
You might grow two penises.

Recently a human ear was grown on the stomach of a rat using stem cell technology.

Experimental biology has produced many amazing breakthroughs, including the ability to grow complete human organs. In the future, once medical technology reaches a certain level of advancement, humans might never die. Humans might become immortal. When an organ fails, it will be replaced.

This includes the penis.

Just think. Thanks to the advancement of scientific knowledge, when your limp old dick finally wears out (and it will), one day your doctor might be able to order a brand new one.

Like a forever-youthful god, you and your manly appendage will become immortal.

While it’s impossible to know the future precisely, each new penis that you acquire will probably be grown on a lobotomized clone, in a vat of liquid protein, or on a pig.

Genetic techniques might also be developed, greatly altering humans. Like a lizard regrowing its tail, your future self might be able to regrow a new penis. That is, after your useless old schlong is cut off.

It’s actually even possible that you might grow a second or third penis.

You might grow a second penis on your chin, for example. And then you might grow a third penis on your foot.

The future will be full of astonishing miracles!

Children to visit a weird, bizarre petting zoo.

Future petting zoos to include Dodo birds and Jackalopes.

Thanks to recent amazing breakthroughs in genetic science, cloning, and advanced biological technology, it’s now considered probable that future petting zoos will include both the extinct Dodo bird and the legendary (and fictional) high plains Jackalope.

Whether DNA is used to reproduce long-extinct animals, or to create bizarre combinations of very different species, biotech promises to provide humanity with an enormous, limitless source of future amusement. Young children visiting petting zoos will encounter the whimsical and bizarre creatures once relegated to fantasy storybooks.

Imagine cuddling a cute, furry Jackalope (while carefully avoiding the horns), or laughing at the silly-looking Dodo.

Humankind’s endlessly amusing future will feature a mind-boggling variety of freakish wonders!

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

Another angel with wings.
Another angel with wings.

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

If heaven has an atmosphere, heaven must contain molecules.

If heaven contains molecules, it must have scientific laws.

If heaven has scientific laws, it must contain scientists.

If heaven contains scientists, it must contain methodical doubt.

If heaven contains methodical doubt, it must allow disagreement.

If heaven allows disagreement, it must be full of discord.

If heaven is full of discord, it must be rather chaotic.

If heaven is rather chaotic, it must not be blissful.

If heaven isn’t blissful, it must be somewhat hellish.

If heaven is somewhat hellish, it isn’t heaven.

Which is impossible.

Therefore winged angels must not exist in heaven.

The potential existence of non-winged angels in heaven will be considered at a later time.