Epic journey to the center of the Earth fails.

I don’t know where we went wrong.

Five years ago, an expedition bravely set out to locate the center of the Earth. Their epic journey began at this manhole.

The explorers have not been heard from since.

Strange yellow object detected by Mars rover.

Strange object photographed by Mars rover Opportunity.

The mystery of the world famous “Rubber Duck” on Mars has at last been solved by NASA scientists. The unusual yellow object achieved worldwide fame when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere in a picture transmitted to Earth from the Mars rover Opportunity.

It turns out the strange object in reality is just an ordinary rubber duck. Because there is an extremely thin atmosphere on Mars, it’s unlikely the duck could be heard squeaking when Opportunity accidentally drove over it.

How to upload your entire brain to Google.

Human brain in a jar.

Some visionary futurists have predicted that in 10 years humans will be able to upload their brains to Google.

Don’t they realize it’s already possible?

1. Start a blog.

2. Sit down and quickly type everything that comes to mind. Everything. Every thought. No matter how profound or absurd or insipid. Continue typing and typing and typing until your poor, exhausted brain is completely out of ideas.

4. Publish your blog.

5. Google will index your blog.

6. Your entire, exhausted brain is uploaded to Google.

First known time traveler reports on the future.

Once living cauliflower now dead.

The first known time traveler has returned from the future with numerous interesting observations. Perhaps the most jaw-dropping revelation is that, a hundred years from now, it is known scientifically that many plants have a highly unusual form of primitive sentience. While lacking the highly organized nervous systems found in more advanced animal lifeforms, plants have clustered bio-pathways that expedite pseudo-neural chemical interactions. These interactions perform many of the basic functions of more commonly understood cognitive systems.

In the future, anyone alive today who has ever eaten cauliflower is viewed with absolute contempt and disdain.

Have a nice day.

Amazing biotech miracle: How to grow a new penis!

You might grow two penises.

Recently a human ear was grown on the stomach of a rat using stem cell technology.

Experimental biology has produced many amazing breakthroughs, including the ability to grow complete human organs. In the future, once medical technology reaches a certain level of advancement, humans might never die. Humans might become immortal. When an organ fails, it will be replaced.

This includes the penis.

Just think. Thanks to the advancement of scientific knowledge, when your limp old dick finally wears out (and it will), one day your doctor might be able to order a brand new one.

Like a forever-youthful god, you and your manly appendage will become immortal.

While it’s impossible to know the future precisely, each new penis that you acquire will probably be grown on a lobotomized clone, in a vat of liquid protein, or on a pig.

Genetic techniques might also be developed, greatly altering humans. Like a lizard regrowing its tail, your future self might be able to regrow a new penis. That is, after your useless old schlong is cut off.

It’s actually even possible that you might grow a second or third penis.

You might grow a second penis on your chin, for example. And then you might grow a third penis on your foot.

The future will be full of astonishing miracles!

Children to visit a weird, bizarre petting zoo.

Thanks to recent amazing breakthroughs in genetic science, cloning, and advanced biological technology, it’s now considered probable that future petting zoos will include both the extinct Dodo bird and the legendary (and fictional) high plains Jackalope.

Whether DNA is used to reproduce long-extinct animals, or to create bizarre combinations of very different species, biotech promises to provide humanity with an enormous, limitless source of future amusement. Young children visiting petting zoos will encounter the whimsical and bizarre creatures once relegated to fantasy storybooks.

Imagine cuddling a cute, furry Jackalope (while carefully avoiding the horns), or laughing at the silly-looking Dodo.

Humankind’s endlessly amusing future will feature a mind-boggling variety of freakish wonders!

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

Another angel with wings.

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

If heaven has an atmosphere, heaven must contain molecules.

If heaven contains molecules, it must have scientific laws.

If heaven has scientific laws, it must contain scientists.

If heaven contains scientists, it must contain methodical doubt.

If heaven contains methodical doubt, it must allow disagreement.

If heaven allows disagreement, it must be full of discord.

If heaven is full of discord, it must be rather chaotic.

If heaven is rather chaotic, it must not be blissful.

If heaven isn’t blissful, it must be somewhat hellish.

If heaven is somewhat hellish, it isn’t heaven.

Which is impossible.

Therefore winged angels must not exist in heaven.

The potential existence of non-winged angels in heaven will be considered at a later time.

A brave new world of dogs watching television.

Dog watching its favorite television show.

You’ve parked your child in front of the boob tube. So surely Fido will be dazzled by TV, too. Right?

It seems everybody loves Dog TV. Everyone is talking about it. Everyone except your dog. But if your beloved pet could throw a few words together, would it recommend the doggie channel?

Fido blinks with interest as he watches a video of napping dogs. Couch potato Fido raises his head to catch the latest on fascinating bouncing balls. Fido rushes the screen thinking a squirrel has magically appeared in your living room. That rascally squirrel is more lifelike and vibrant than ever! Bark! Bark! Pounce–collision–ouch. All he’s left with is just a wet dog nose squashed up against the cold, lifeless screen.

Here comes that uncatchable squirrel again! Bark! Bark!

Ah, television marks the progress of an advanced civilization. Honey Boo Boo and the Kardashians and dog stars posing on camera for the edification of all. It’s a brave new world.

Next they’ll develop music for goldfish.

Luke Skywalker, son of Stephen Hawking?

Ultimate weapon wiped out several thousand galaxies.

A thoughtful, well-respected anthropologist at University of California-Berkeley recently observed in a popular web magazine that Darth Vader and noted theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking have at least one thing in common. They resemble “brains in a vat”.

This provocative comparison has given rise to numerous conjectures about the possible relationship between the brilliant but semi-robotic Hawking and Luke Skywalker, the son of Anakin Skywalker (known to every true Star Wars fan as the sinister, semi-robotic Darth Vader, architect of the terrifying, planet-disintegrating Death Star.)

Stephen Hawking, the world’s foremost expert on merciless, matter-devouring black holes, devotes much of his profound mental energy to the study of objects that annihilate every planet in their path. Speaking with his unsettling sinister-sounding synthesized voice, Hawking instructs his select disciples on how the entire cosmos just might be wiped out. In fact, it’s quite possible that ruthless, utter destruction is inevitable. It’s all a matter of dark matter.

Darth Vader seemed to have similar dark thoughts.

Coincidence?

Fortunately, Luke (and Leia) emerged surprisingly from nowhere to rebalance the Force. Is Hawking’s unknown offspring soon to emerge?

Superman did not spin the Earth backward.

A representation of Superman’s flight.

It is believed by most that Superman in his movie (the first one with Christopher Reeve) turned back time (to save Lois Lane) by flying at super speed around the Earth and somehow making the planet spin backward. This is an unfortunate misconception. It’s an absurd notion that makes no sense. How does a superhero cause a planet to reverse spin by flying rapidly around it? Why would reversing a planet’s spin in any way alter time? That’s crazy talk.

So what actually happened?

Superman himself went back in time. Any physicist will tell you that to go back in time, all you have to do is exceed the speed of light. Superman is so super he was able to do this.

Faster and faster Superman flew, approaching the speed of light, until he became a blur, and as he did so the Earth’s spin slowed. Einstein predicted this would happen. Did you not watch Planet of the Apes? The space travellers were moving so fast, time slowed for them, while centuries passed by on Earth.

Now Superman breaks the speed of light. The Earth appears to spin backward because Clark Kent is going back in time. You are viewing time from Clark’s perspective.

The question now becomes: Once he’d travelled into the past, why did Superman reverse direction and fly rapidly around the Earth again?

Obviously the answer is: The dim bulb who wrote the movie thought Superman was now spinning the Earth back forward. What a doofus. What sheer nonsense.