Tag Archives: food

A most wonderful spot for a relaxing weekend.

My favorite picnic bench for a wonderful lunch.
The world’s best picnic bench for complete relaxation.

This weekend I’m heading to my favorite picnic bench. I’m really going to enjoy myself. After I really enjoy myself, I’ll be in a state of advanced relaxation. If I’m on the ground, please don’t fret.

First known time traveler reports on the future.

Once living cauliflower now dead.
Once living cauliflower now dead.

The first known time traveler has returned from the future with numerous interesting observations. Perhaps the most jaw-dropping revelation is that, a hundred years from now, it is known scientifically that many plants have a highly unusual form of primitive sentience. While lacking the highly organized nervous systems found in more advanced animal lifeforms, plants have clustered bio-pathways that expedite pseudo-neural chemical interactions. These interactions perform many of the basic functions of more commonly understood cognitive systems.

In the future, anyone alive today who has ever eaten cauliflower is viewed with absolute contempt and disdain.

Have a nice day.

It’s good to pick your nose and eat boogers.

Man picks his nose prior to eating a booger.
Man picks his nose prior to eating a booger.

Here are 7 reasons why healthy adults should regularly pick their nose and eat boogers:

1. Rhinotillexis (the extraction of nasal mucus with a finger) followed by mucophagy (the ingestion of this material) is believed by many scientists to provide a natural boost to the immune system.

2. Picking hardened mucus from your nostrils allows more freedom for oxygen to enter the lungs.

3. Removing boogers that contain potentially harmful microbes helps to prevent pathogens from entering your brain.

4. Natural biological inclinations should not be resisted due to an arbitrary cultural norm. Resisting the urge to pick your nose might result in adverse psychological effects.

5. The protein found in mucus is an essential source of nutrition. A diet that contains a high level of protein is believed by many doctors to be an effective treatment against obesity.

6. Consuming boogers allows a typical, inhibited adult to return to a mode of childlike innocence.

7. Boogers taste good.

Living hot dog served to hungry freaks.

living hot dog served to freaks

The food court of this unusual mall serves live hot dogs to hungry, costumed freaks. This photo provides the shocking evidence. A live hot dog is carried about on a tray by the smiling fast food server, and onlookers grin with anticipation and delight. Are these people really that twisted? Are they raving lunatics? One is even wearing a Spidey outfit! I’m appalled and dismayed. I’m surprised the city health department hasn’t shut this disgraceful place down.

Effective weight loss solution that works every time.

Ready to try anything.
Ready to try anything.

There’s a truly amazing, effective weight loss solution…an all-natural, one hundred percent proven method that works every time!

Do you want to become thinner? Do you need to shed those extra, unsightly pounds? Have you desperately tried every type of diet?

Have you tried diets that are based on:

Low fat? Protein? High fiber? Vegetarianism or veganism? Organic food? Specially formulated nutritional milkshakes, prepackaged meals, or exactly portioned frozen dinners? Sea-based products? Predigested liquid protein? Mega doses of vitamins? Kosher food? Traditional Okinawan or Mediterranean food? Foods that contain so-called negative calories? Pills that increase your metabolism? Paleolithic food? Raw food? Fresh juice? Chinese herbs? Detox concoctions? Green tea, yogurt, grapefruit, cottage cheese, celery sticks, watermelon, cabbage soup or bean soup? Air-popped popcorn? Saltine crackers? Strict calorie-counting? Just one meal a day? Once-a-week binging? Nibbling between meals? Two sandwiches every day? Cookies? Those special diet snack bars?

But none of these seem to work?

What is the amazing solution?

Be hungry. Because when you’re hungry, you’re losing weight!

A really, really bad joke about two hungry old people.

Another romantic image.
Another romantic image.

A couple of elderly folks were in line for breakfast at the local fast food spot. The silver-haired gentleman and the old lady spoke politely to one another, then decided to sit down together to eat. It turns out they really hit it off.

The gent addressed the nice lady: “I really love your company. If we were to go out for a romantic night of elegant dining and dancing, what would you wear?”

She replied: “Depends.”

He asked with a curious smile, “Depends on what?”

“Just DEPENDS.”

The man who ate 18 bicycles, 7 televisions and 1 airplane.

A Cessna 150, one of the items Lotito ate.
A Cessna 150, one of the items Lotito ate.

Yes, such an unusual person existed. His name was Michel Lotito. He was one very hungry dude. Hungry for attention, that is.

Bananas and hard-boiled eggs made him sick, but inorganic matter was quite satisfying. He ate:

18 bicycles

15 shopping carts

7 televisions (before there were flat screens)

6 chandeliers

2 beds (I’m not sure if they were bunk beds)

1 pair of skis (mere toothpicks compared to everything else)

1 Cessna aircraft

1 coffin (I’m surprised this didn’t cause indigestion)

1 400 meter long steel chain (for dessert)

Now sing along with Mary Poppins: “Just a teaspoon of mineral oil helps the metal go down…”

I’ll bet his dentist (and the plumber) really loved him!

Practical food advice for hungry bachelors.

Lots of great meals.
Lots of great meals.

Q. How long do you microwave a chicken and peanut butter burrito?

A. Until it just begins smoking.

Q. Which end of the burrito do you eat first?

A. The end nearest your mouth.

Q. How do you know if milk has gone bad?

A. Believe me, it has.

Q. How much spoiled milk can you consume before vomiting?

A. That depends on how drunk you are.

Q. Should you salvage a meal that slipped from your grasp and plummeted to the floor?

A. Is it solid or liquid?

Q. How do you mask unsightly beer stains on new carpeting?

A. Widely spill more beer.