I love the internet. Life has become so much better with it. The coolest stuff ever imagined can be easily found and delivered to your front door with only a few clicks. It’s so convenient!
Take for example this festive middle finger Christmas tree ornament. It would look great among the angels, chains of popcorn and holiday candles. I’m going to get one! It should be here in a few days, just in time to impress my dear mother-in-law!
Local television news yesterday included reports of a woman stuck in a laundromat washing machine for nearly 32 hours. The woman, Bethany Chelker of South Boston, became trapped in the machine the day before while trying to extract a small article of clothing.
Bethany explained that hundreds of bystanders refused to provide her with help. A number of onlookers even made nasty jokes. “I can’t believe how rude some people are,” she said.
City workers finally managed to extract the unfortunate victim, and transported her to a nearby hospital for observation.
Many have suggested that Batman isn’t really a superhero. They’ve put forth the theory that the Caped Crusader is nothing more than a sad, ineffective, lonely guy. And a bit of a creep.
I have two photographs which tend to give weight to this theory.
Here are rare photos of sad Batman out on a lonely walk down a city sidewalk, ignored by hundreds of passing citizens. The bat-obsessed fellow just shuffles along, seemingly in a daze, hiding from the cold, cruel world behind his black costume and bizarre mask.
Perhaps he identifies with the small, hated, flying rodent that is blind and hides all huddled up in darkness underground. Sad Batman seems to head nowhere, a lone figure, an anonymous soul, hungry for human contact, but shunning it.
As we all know, superheroes don’t really exist. So when a genetic freak, a bizarre mutant giant was born in Italy, it became a serious national problem.
Geovanni, who at the age of 16 measured 149 meters tall, frightened everybody. Normal people considered the boy an ungodly freak and a definite nuisance. For a while he worked in a traveling circus. But after he got tangled in the big tent, it became obvious that no sideshow could hold him. For one truly amazing season he played professional basketball, until finally injuring his back from stooping.
The Pisa Chamber of Commerce finally had a brilliant idea. The Leaning Tower was at the point of tipping over. Instead of reinforcing the foundation, which would cost millions and take several years, they simply hired Geovanni. Tourists are now both perfectly safe and delighted!
Yesterday a subway car rose through this downtown street like a sandworm from Dune. A young boy nearby remained fearless as the monstrous machinery emerged from its subterranean abode. This brave child, like the Emperor of Dune, might one day choose to become a formidable hybrid. Should this occur, he’ll resemble Thomas the Tank.