Tag Archives: ridiculous

Epic journey to the center of the Earth fails.

I don't know where we went wrong.
I don’t know where we went wrong.

Five years ago, an expedition bravely set out to locate the center of the Earth. Their epic journey began at this manhole.

The explorers have not been heard from since.

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A crazy man finds a substitute for tin foil.

this crazy man had no tin foil

What does a crazy person do when no tin foil is available? Well, the answer is obvious. You imitate the daffy, bug-eyed fellow depicted in the above photo.

Even the craziest among us can figure out how to block mind-controlling telepathic vibrations directed our way by conspiratorial dark overlords. Occasionally I put a stovepipe (not a hat–a real stovepipe) on my delicate cranium, just in case.

New online craze: telephone pole dancing.

Two dancers can strut their stuff.
Two dancers can strut their stuff.

The latest online fad might surprise you. But then again, it might not.

Sexy dancing in public utilizing a telephone pole is the newest, coolest online craze.

Surpassing even the worldwide planking phenomenon in popularity, telephone pole dancing videos are being uploaded to the internet at an astonishing pace.

Bored hipsters, wannabe celebrities, uber-nerds, imitative dullards and impressionable youth are donning their sexiest garb, then locating the nearest telephone pole. (Should you participate in this fad make certain you avoid wood telephone poles. Splinters can hurt. Especially those you’re apt to get while pole dancing.)

Madly gyrating around a telephone pole, telephone pole dancers while dancing are checking their telephones for videos of the latest telephone pole dancers. They’re hoping passersby with telephones (the type that do not require a pole) have uploaded a video of them doing their profound pole dance. Because millions will likely watch that video with awe.

The man who ate 18 bicycles, 7 televisions and 1 airplane.

A Cessna 150, one of the items Lotito ate.
A Cessna 150, one of the items Lotito ate.

Yes, such an unusual person existed. His name was Michel Lotito. He was one very hungry dude. Hungry for attention, that is.

Bananas and hard-boiled eggs made him sick, but inorganic matter was quite satisfying. He ate:

18 bicycles

15 shopping carts

7 televisions (before there were flat screens)

6 chandeliers

2 beds (I’m not sure if they were bunk beds)

1 pair of skis (mere toothpicks compared to everything else)

1 Cessna aircraft

1 coffin (I’m surprised this didn’t cause indigestion)

1 400 meter long steel chain (for dessert)

Now sing along with Mary Poppins: “Just a teaspoon of mineral oil helps the metal go down…”

I’ll bet his dentist (and the plumber) really loved him!

Magic spells that really, truly work.

Magician casts spell on small children.
Magician casts spell on small children.

Honestly. Truly. For sure.

Make your enemies ugly (especially female rivals) by using their picture, smeared mud, a burning match, and the spell: “Here you are so mote you to be uglier by the day till I delay.”

I believe!

Enchant and command anybody (especially boyfriends) simply with a sheet of paper, an orange crayon, an orange candle, and the spell: “Become enchanted with my name, for my spirit and body your heart will flame, do what I wish and what I ask do what I command, every task. And when all is done and all is tame let it vanish, this burning flame.”

Those mystical words are mind-blowing!

And that’s not all! Visit this amazing website and you’ll learn lots of absolutely positively real magic! These ancient, esoteric spells will make someone call you on your cell phone and act like they love you, enhance your beauty, make you glamorous, make boys fall in love with you, make you lose weight, make you have a better musical voice, help you manage emotions, make you have gorgeous hair, make you fertile, not to mention the ordinary teleportation and levitation spells.

They really, truly work! They must! They have to!

Weird-ass bikinis: sexy or just plain stupid?

Today we're much more advanced.
Today we’re much more advanced.

It seems fashion designers have severe psychological problems. They’ll do anything to gain attention. And they spend their troubled lives concocting new ways to put a thumb in your eye. Without fail, their productions are pointless, absurd and ridiculous. Can a bikini simply be a bikini? No. They’ll take a nice sexy piece of swimwear and turn it into a…fashion statement.

Weird-ass bikinis might be appropriate for weird asses. Not the beach.

Sexy or just plain stupid?

I vote stupid.