Here are a number of important pointers concerning Saturday night, sincere friendship, home brewing, halftime celebrations, bar hopping, basic everyday manners, inebriation, and most importantly, how to score free beer:
1. Never let people see you vomit.
2. As you become intoxicated, make certain you remain sociable.
3. Very gradually, drink by drink, become more entertaining.
4. Never sip. Your host might fear you are being critical.
5. Never move too quickly. (Avoid spills.)
6. Never beg. Apply lavish, enthusiastic compliments instead. That really is the best brew you’ve ever tasted.
7. Enliven the party by showing everyone that strange trick with your tongue. Place bets that you can repeat the trick later.
8. Drink beer through your nose.
9. Drop a cocktail napkin accidentally on the floor. Sop up your spilt beer.
10. Find an empty glass and wring your shirt when you get home.
Here’s a great way to make some extra money! (Follow this advice only where this activity is legal.)
The other day I hauled a load of dead branches and stumps to the local landfill. While tossing debris from the back of my truck, I noted that there was a whole lot of interesting and potentially valuable garbage strewn about the dump. I took a few minutes, once my truck was empty, to pick through the trash. I found the following:
A very nice wooden stool with a broken leg.
A very expensive vacuum cleaner, broken and with no cord.
A bent umbrella.
A cracked aquarium.
A dozen or so bits of beautiful mud-covered stained glass.
A toilet seat.
Some sort of fancy electronic equipment that I haven’t yet identified.
A ton of slightly moldy magazines.
A very small roll of brand new green shag carpeting.
Plastic bags containing what appears to be an extensive collection of sparkly rocks.
Several pretty old shoes.
A few more interesting things I haven’t yet identified.
Yesterday I rode the trolley home from work. You see all sorts of different people on public transportation, from all walks of life, and the older gentleman who sat opposite me was certainly interesting, and very talkative. He appeared to be homeless, though he never said that he was. He had indistinguishable tattoos all over and was deeply wrinkled and tangle-bearded and not terribly clean. But he sure was friendly.
During our rambling conversation, he somehow got to the subject of how to score free money. It was a topic that really animated him. He claimed that there were thousands of dollars hidden all over the city, and you just had to know where to look.
Apparently, people who live on the streets have a tendency to stash their money in secret but public places, to avoid being robbed. The fellow said that many homeless people use crystal meth to ease the pain of their situation, and that one unfortunate result of using that drug is that they become extremely forgetful. And bundles of cash are left forgotten in all sorts of unusual places.
With some skepticism I asked where all this money was hidden (I walk a lot downtown and I sure haven’t found any!) and he rattled off some likely places where he always searched.
He said that money was often left under larger stones, such as in public parks or in the landscaping in front of buildings. Or anything that can be easily lifted, in order to hide stuff undernearth. I thought to ask him if money was left under stepping stones, and he said no, almost never, it was too obvious.
He said underpasses or tunnels or similar dark places where the homeless sleep or hang out were probably the best places to look. He once found a couple hundred dollars dug into the dirt under a bridge. Anyway, that’s what he claimed, and he seemed perfectly serious.
According to him, hidden treasure can also be found behind pipes and vents along walls and in alleys, where passing people won’t notice. Also, in abandoned shopping carts that are full of collected junk. (I do see these from time to time, but they’re usually super disgusting, and I’ve never considered searching through them!)
Lastly, he mentioned public toilets, where the homeless often go to tidy up or engage in private activity, which he seemed to think was pretty funny. I don’t know where in a public restroom oodles of cash would be hidden–maybe under the sink?
I asked the old guy: when you find these caches of money, how do you know they were forgotten? He assured me that any money he found had been forgotten, and anyway, finders keepers and losers weepers.
I know that when I find coins on the sidewalk, I have no personal qualms about jingling them in my pocket. But if were to uncover hundreds of dollars…? Well, I suppose I’ll worry about that when it happens!
Tips include using a milk crate or stool, washing produce that you’ve found, sharing your acquired knowledge with others, and cleaning up afterward so that dumpster divers don’t get a bad name. Very thoughtful indeed.
I’m so thankful this internet thingy was invented. These useful how-to websites have really made my life much easier (and more interesting).
Want to save a lot of money? And you’re not a gourmet? No problem!
With inflation, food is becoming more and more expensive. Fortunately, there are all sorts of ways to eat for absolutely nothing. Just a suggestion: if you follow these free food ideas, you might want to take a vitamin pill every morning. Just saying!
Need a patch of nice land to live on? Do you desire some property in this great nation to call your own? And you seriously want to spend no money? Zip? Zero? Zilch? Nada? You think you’re out of luck?
The frontier days are long past, but believe it or not, there are still wide open places in the United States where you can acquire land for free. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this website for the details.