I’ve seen every kind of tourist trap. This one beats them all.
Lured by the promise of cheap souvenirs, throngs of happy tourists gladly press their way through this ominous black door.
Rumor has it that anywhere from 1000 to 5000 naive tourists have passed through this door. On the other side, hell awaits.
If you see this cheerful sign, stay clear.
The mystery of the world famous “Rubber Duck” on Mars has at last been solved by NASA scientists. The unusual yellow object achieved worldwide fame when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere in a picture transmitted to Earth from the Mars rover Opportunity.
It turns out the strange object in reality is just an ordinary rubber duck. Because there is an extremely thin atmosphere on Mars, it’s unlikely the duck could be heard squeaking when Opportunity accidentally drove over it.
Thank goodness. Another clown has been removed from our streets. We can breathe a little easier These renegade clowns seem to be infesting every nook and cranny of our highly cultured civilization. I direct my everlasting gratitude toward these two energetic, vigilant citizens! Round up every clown you encounter! Bind them securely! Tar and feathers!
Recently a human ear was grown on the stomach of a rat using stem cell technology.
Experimental biology has produced many amazing breakthroughs, including the ability to grow complete human organs. In the future, once medical technology reaches a certain level of advancement, humans might never die. Humans might become immortal. When an organ fails, it will be replaced.
This includes the penis.
Just think. Thanks to the advancement of scientific knowledge, when your limp old dick finally wears out (and it will), one day your doctor might be able to order a brand new one.
Like a forever-youthful god, you and your manly appendage will become immortal.
While it’s impossible to know the future precisely, each new penis that you acquire will probably be grown on a lobotomized clone, in a vat of liquid protein, or on a pig.
Genetic techniques might also be developed, greatly altering humans. Like a lizard regrowing its tail, your future self might be able to regrow a new penis. That is, after your useless old schlong is cut off.
It’s actually even possible that you might grow a second or third penis.
You might grow a second penis on your chin, for example. And then you might grow a third penis on your foot.
The future will be full of astonishing miracles!
Today we pit two venerable words against one another to see which comes out the winner. Let us now begin the ultimate super fun word game!
It’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious versus kakorrhaphiophobia!
Here we go!
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is easily the most fun word to say, so it’s awarded one point.
Kakorrhaphiophobia is the absolutely most difficult to say, so it’s awarded one point.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is the longest word I know; it’s given one point.
Kakorrhaphiophobia is an absurd-sounding word that is taken quite seriously by very serious people, so I must give it one point.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious comes from one of my favorite movies of all time, Mary Poppins, and it was spoken magnificently by the inimitable Julie Andrews, beloved by millions, so obviously it earns one point.
The winner of the ultimate super fun word game in a 3-2 split decision is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.
If heaven has an atmosphere, heaven must contain molecules.
If heaven contains molecules, it must have scientific laws.
If heaven has scientific laws, it must contain scientists.
If heaven contains scientists, it must contain methodical doubt.
If heaven contains methodical doubt, it must allow disagreement.
If heaven allows disagreement, it must be full of discord.
If heaven is full of discord, it must be rather chaotic.
If heaven is rather chaotic, it must not be blissful.
If heaven isn’t blissful, it must be somewhat hellish.
If heaven is somewhat hellish, it isn’t heaven.
Which is impossible.
Therefore winged angels must not exist in heaven.
The potential existence of non-winged angels in heaven will be considered at a later time.
So you want to see oodles and oodles of really sick demented nutjob wackadoodles? You’ve come to the right place!
These fine specimens of severely dysfunctional lame-brained humanity provide heaps and heaps of sadly insipid entertainment. Do such lunatics, losers, laggards and lunkheads actually exist? Yes, indeed. It seems reality is more tortured, twisted, trashy and tragic than even our most terrible imaginings.
You’ve been warned. Brace yourself. Take a deep breath. Here it comes…
Now swallow your pride and click this fascinating and pathetic link.
Pig Latin is a useful under many circumstances. But there is one instance where it should be avoided at all costs.
One should never EVER translate Latin into Pig Latin.
Please, don’t even entertain the notion!
Latin is a beautiful, precise language employed by some of history’s greatest poets and philosophers. Many of humankind’s greatest works were rendered in this classic language. Cicero and Ovid would turn in their graves if their mighty works were ever translated into unseemly, senseless scratchings and hideous, vile vomits as vulgar as Pig Latin.
Take for example:
Credo quia absurdum est. Disputandi pruritus ecclesiarum scabies. Corruptisima re publica plurimae leges. Absentem laedit cum ebrio qui litigat. Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim. Parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus.
Now consider:
Edocray iaquay absurdumway estway. Isputandiday urituspray ecclesiarumway abiesscay. Orruptisimacay eray ublicapay urimaeplay egeslay. Absentemway aeditlay umcay ebrioway iquay itigatlay. Erferpay etway obduraway; olorday ichay ibitay oderitpray olimway. Arturientpay ontesmay, asceturnay idiculusray usmay.
Case closed.
It seems fashion designers have severe psychological problems. They’ll do anything to gain attention. And they spend their troubled lives concocting new ways to put a thumb in your eye. Without fail, their productions are pointless, absurd and ridiculous. Can a bikini simply be a bikini? No. They’ll take a nice sexy piece of swimwear and turn it into a…fashion statement.
Weird-ass bikinis might be appropriate for weird asses. Not the beach.
Sexy or just plain stupid?
I vote stupid.
It’s critical in these enlightened times to appear intelligent. Impressing your fellow human beings is really, truly, incredibly important. By appearing intelligent, people will respect you. They will regard you with awe. And you will feel confident and superior. Which feels good! Everyone knows that nothing in life is more important than feeling good.
Making yourself seem intelligent is thankfully very easy. All you must do is stand erect (posture is tremendously important) and face your peers with a confident, knowing smile and recite the following lines:
Pogo Lord And The Toilet Muff
Relevant Bucket
Failed Rotund Twilight Crescendo
External Of His Willy Absorbed
Arcane Evermore
Stud Articles For Crabby League
Incoherent Student Nibbles Raspberries
Moonshine Reward
Nose Down Searching The Quartered Psychosis
Before Happy Ivory Comes The Belly
Soap For Burrowing Mildew
Lamentable Sheep
Grenade Swallow
Vegetarian Log And The Orderly Steamship
Obscenely Convincing Fiction Of The Loop
Feast Of Euphoria
Loopy Eyes Digesting Every Skyscraper
Wizard Of Scarred
Until Strategy Of The Intangible Mayhem
Tonic Of Spherical Worm Munchers
Proverbial Flesh Stabbing Practice
Blessed Carnal Under Worthless Air
Nocturnal Flaw
Poser Of A Drunken High Gutter
Precisely Astounding Company Misfortune
Hot Terror Escaping Lava
Regular Eskimo
Scream Before Intelligent Optimism
Mild Pole Erectile Nuisance
Afterglow Revolver And Grizzly Chronicle
Riddle Of Weeping Revolving Toads
Flamboyant Foolish Sauce
Messenger Fox Duping Italian
Fearless Mildew
Archetype Management Of The Slipping Style
Elephant Of Wickedness
Colliding Blue Fanny
Moonshine Pranks Determined Ghostly
Astute Erotica
Septic Maniac
Deadly Driven Your Untrue Tendon
Cretin Plumber
Barbed Philosopher And The Armored Broadcast
Busted Chemistry Kicking Constrictors
Lower Bonus From One Flapjack Longevity
Defective Kite
Underneath Paranoid Fortified Voltage
Misplaced Insight Polyester Pattern
Glowing Neon Except Creation
Whispering Banshee
Pure Neglect For Twelfth Purveyor Of Branch Imitation
Stinging Footstep And The Fallen Geek
Wednesday Flop
Mexican Stroke Flaming Red Herb
Intelligent Cider Monosyllabic Bath
Holy Sailor Fallen Elephant
Pragmatic Mars And The Brilliant Dump
Locomotive Of The Manual Hiccup
Freezer Explosion
Severe Nutmeg Faith
Vegetable Transit
Quivering Iris
Blushing Swinger Hopeless Possessed
Cheerful Reptile A Florida Whack
Genetic Ammunition
Bane Of The Northern Didactic Magnet
Skid Of The Contemplated Smash
Troubled Trio And The Robotic Majesty
Drool Of The Adrenalin
Dreamy Verbs From Spilt Conception
Sliding Beat Across Kinetic Loop
Damned Invincible Not Eloquent
Solid Novice And The Rasping Carbuncle
Puffy Stench
Give it a try! Everyone you meet will immediately see that you are overflowing with unsurpassed profundity. Everyone will be highly impressed!
life is VERY weird 