Tag Archives: vomit

Why you shouldn’t eat a large pepperoni pizza.

You might eat this large pepperoni pizza in five minutes.
You might eat this large pepperoni pizza in five minutes.

There are bound to be some extremely good reasons why you shouldn’t eat a large pepperoni pizza.

But I can’t think of any.

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Leave work early: go home sick with a FAKE VOMIT.

Real vomit.
Real vomit.

Work sucks. You want to go home early. But you don’t have a good excuse.

Here’s what you do:

Place yourself in the company bathroom. Keep the door open. Place this fake vomit on the floor just inside the door.

Wait for a coworker to come strolling by outside. As they pass, kneel over the phony barf. Groan very loudly so your coworker looks inside the bathroom. Once they’ve had a good look at you bending over your plastic puke, straighten up and slam the door.

Your coworker will soon pass word around the office that you vomited. Just how gross and disgusting your vomit was will be described. It contained nasty chunks. Within a few moments your boss will be informed.

Pocket your fake vomit. After several minutes flush the toilet and emerge from the bathroom.

Go directly to your boss and explain you don’t feel well.

You will be sent home immediately.

How to score free beer.

Make sure that no one is looking.
Make sure that no one is looking.

Here are a number of important pointers concerning Saturday night, sincere friendship, home brewing, halftime celebrations, bar hopping, basic everyday manners, inebriation, and most importantly, how to score free beer:

1. Never let people see you vomit.

2. As you become intoxicated, make certain you remain sociable.

3. Very gradually, drink by drink, become more entertaining.

4. Never sip. Your host might fear you are being critical.

5. Never move too quickly. (Avoid spills.)

6. Never beg. Apply lavish, enthusiastic compliments instead. That really is the best brew you’ve ever tasted.

7. Enliven the party by showing everyone that strange trick with your tongue. Place bets that you can repeat the trick later.

8. Drink beer through your nose.

9. Drop a cocktail napkin accidentally on the floor. Sop up your spilt beer.

10. Find an empty glass and wring your shirt when you get home.

Make good money with a weird job.

Where the dedicated fart sniffers work.
Where the dedicated fart sniffers work.

So what if the job market still stinks. It’s time to get creative. Here are the weirdest jobs that actually exist, and I’m sure one of them is suited to you. (If you’re desperate enough.)

Personally, I can’t decide which job I’d enjoy more: the Fish Liver Sorter or the Vomit Collector. Of course, the Worm Picker and Fart Sniffer positions might open up any day now, and I hear the benefits are simply unbeatable. Egads! And I thought I had it bad… I guess I won’t complain too much at work today. (Just once or twice.)