Thanks to recent amazing breakthroughs in genetic science, cloning, and advanced biological technology, it’s now considered probable that future petting zoos will include both the extinct Dodo bird and the legendary (and fictional) high plains Jackalope.
Whether DNA is used to reproduce long-extinct animals, or to create bizarre combinations of very different species, biotech promises to provide humanity with an enormous, limitless source of future amusement. Young children visiting petting zoos will encounter the whimsical and bizarre creatures once relegated to fantasy storybooks.
Imagine cuddling a cute, furry Jackalope (while carefully avoiding the horns), or laughing at the silly-looking Dodo.
Humankind’s endlessly amusing future will feature a mind-boggling variety of freakish wonders!
I’ve observed that super horny people have a tendency to be very interesting.
I can think of several reasons for this:
1. Super horny people have numerous amazing stories. And amazing stories are always associated with interesting people. Take, for example, the story of Elijah Goldfarb’s improbable conquest of Billy Johnson’s big fat drunk grandmother. Or the story of the thrill-seeking adventurers who went helmet diving in Jamaica and had an underwater orgy.
2. People who are super horny tend to be uninhibited. They’ll have wild sex almost anywhere. At any time. That makes them endlessly interesting. You might recall the instance of the farmer in Essex who built a sex den in his barn loft, and how at a hundred years old he still satisfied the ladies. Or that feature on the local news the other day: how spontaneous sex in women’s shoe stores is becoming quite fashionable. Amazing uninhibited horndogs are all around us. I know an interesting fellow who will always be remembered as the man who had sex in every seat in Dodger Stadium.
3. Extra horny folks are energetic. It’s hard to keep up with them. While you go about your normal, humdrum life, they’re pounding away and having loads of interesting fun.
4. The very horniest people often have a variety of fascinating lovers, affairs, fetishes, erotic toys, kinky rituals, piercings, perversions, addictions, personal issues, pregnancies and diseases. This enhances their life stories and makes them really interesting.
You find yourself trapped in a corner. You must act fast. You are faced with imminent peril. The enemy is closing and you cannot run or hide
How do you save your sorry skin? Do you turn the other cheek? Do you plead, grovel and submit?
So what exactly do you do?
You employ misdirection. You surprise, confound and daze your enemy. You do the improbable. The absurd. The incalculable. You throw a monkey wrench into their sorry noggin. You short circuit their neurons.
Fortunately, you’ve memorized a number of effective lines that will take even your most dangerous foes aback. Speak these lines clearly and forcefully and your enemy will be completely confused. They’ll turn into jelly. Their head will explode!
Look your enemy fearlessly in the eye, then say:
Freak Of The Loin
Societal Echo Of The Incomplete Stew
Haven Of The Glowering Sizable Toilet
Radical Screw Starring Clown Fallout
Ungrateful Moose Scared Of Pencils
Fuzzy Worm And The Blistered Wolf
Sullen Sound Beyond The Energetic Glue
Assassination Pill With Orbital Creatures
Toothbrush Slave Commitment
Lunacy Of The Didactic Godmother
Tension Of The Failing Alternate Disco
Pants Furry With Nervous Kharma
Serious Frenzy And The Dose
Catatonic Junction Beyond Haunting
University Of The Bohemian Slip
Enthroned Battery-Powered Skunk
Seething Pacific And Another Coyote
Titanic Sunshine Winning Tragedy
Blooper Bacon For Loathing Slot
Sickness Of The Drooling Dictionary
Sparkling Fork Of Snoopy
Orchestra Hippie Of The Lunatic Window
Breakaway Snake With Smelly Potential
Indecent Weakly Explicit Folk
Conflict Of The Uniform Audience
New Committee Tasting The Clap
Dyslexic Inner Madman
Molten Frog Now Assuming Freeway
Pickled Nose In The Corner
Somatic Horse With A Cramped Tortilla
Rancid Face Of The Astute
Hardcore Yawn And The Lesbian
Caustic Zapped Idiot
Damned Cowhide And The Beautiful Octopus
Plague Of Dripping Dreamers
Dissonant Flaming Sauce With Fly
Investments Of Half Paragon
Clanking Aphrodisiac And Remedy Boob
Fleece Of The Girls
Belief Of The Jelly Mustard
Stuck Grinder Wildest Elation
Flour Buddy Not Beside Worship
Pile Justification And The Latex Calf
Vision Flurry Betrayal Of Pharoah
Small Typhoon Alibi
Corrupt Truth Of Zapped Timeline
Spider Opposite Diving Into Nibble
Orbital Lockjaw Lateral Trout
Pushy Stereo Limited Standard Squishy Plunger
Last Episode Glimpsing Revoked Manifesto
Your Vomit Of Communication
Premium Tribal Drone Of Vader
Transport Of Juicy Cat Suspense
Yodel And The Blind Devoted Expedition
Jesus Jelly Solo Secretion
Good Apparatus Pulsing Breast
Turmoil Of Leather
Train Of The Tenacious Rocker
Abducted With The Monster Baby
Knee Of The Plaid Groupie
Hideous Focus Under Unnamed Prick
Before Mayhem The Sonic Of Surfing
Death Muse Of Hectic Spool
Assuming Fiddler And The Chafed Junk
Bong Radiator Of The Negative Rival
Fiddling Flea The Dizzy Rag
Association Without Mankind
Television Dialog From Hell’s Proxy
Public Lick Delirious
Once your enemy is baffled, befuddled and bedazzled, and their brains have exploded making a big, sticky mess…then you run for it.
The heavy metal band Compressorhead is taking the world by storm. The robot band, featuring Stickboy on the drums, Fingers on the guitar, and Bones on the bass, has become an international internet sensation in just a few short days.
With his steel mohawk and wicked drumming, Stickboy has emerged as the band’s favorite member. Millions of fans, groupies and geeks are doting over the cybernetic sensation, sending messages to the manic musician of their unequalled affection.
Here are a few excerpts from those messages:
“You rock, metalhead! You’re the real thing!”
“I love your sweet drumming skills. It’s way cool you have four arms. Could you spare a couple for me?”
“You guys have such energy! You make the Strolling Bones look like gaunt, lifeless humans!”
“I dig the mohawk, dude. I’m gonna unscrew my devil horns and screw in some steel spikes.”
“You’re so hot. Once you’re wheeled backstage, can we maybe hookup?”
“I’d really like to see you guys do an Unplugged album.”
Are you environmentally conscious? Do you care about Earth’s fragile ecosystems? Do you want to become a true environmental hero? By recycling your old chewing gum, not only can you save the planet, but possibly the entire cosmos.
Here are the simple techniques for reviving your ancient, thoroughly chewed gum. You’ll save forests, the oceans, and even penguins!
However healthy it might be, I would not recommend using broccoli. Broccoli produces oxygen; and without oxygen our Mother Earth would wither and die.
Okay, so you’re not inclined to defend Canada or drive about in an invisible tank (see last post). And you can’t afford Kevlar. But you still need an extra layer of personal protection. (You needn’t explain why.)
Why not assemble some custom body armor made of Legos?
As you might imagine, manufacturing your own Lego body armor is a snap. And should a direct hit shatter your armor, simply reassemble. With a little creativity, you can make your armor look really neato. Just like the body armor in Halo, for example.
I’m going to dump my old box of Legos onto the floor and piece together a really cool red and white checkered Batman suit.
There are loads of religious cults out there. Average, ordinary, everyday people happily worship all sorts of strange stuff: from godlike space aliens, to arcane deities, to historical figures and celebrities, to pseudoscientific concepts and other things that seem just plain absurd.
Included is a cult that literally worships a sports hero.
The Church of Maradona reportedly has over 80,000 members, and they worship at the (quite capable) feet of Argentine soccer superstar Diego Maradona. Followers are inspired to name their children Diego, strictly obey ten religious commandments, and faithfully recite the prayer “Our Diego”.
I’d convert, but I’m presently a member of the Church of Fish Burritos.
Thinking about a loved one’s upcoming birthday? Don’t know what sort of present to give? How about a gag gift? Get a guaranteed laugh or groan or ugly stare. Liven up the party!
Pranks and practical jokes are always appreciated. Well…at least they are appreciated once in a while. So you need to find a really weird and inappropriate gag gift such as a toy parrot that randomly squawks out loud insults, or a rude crude ass-shaped ashtray, or fart spray, or perhaps some pickle-flavored toothpaste.