Tag Archives: silly

Children to visit a weird, bizarre petting zoo.

Future petting zoos to include Dodo birds and Jackalopes.

Thanks to recent amazing breakthroughs in genetic science, cloning, and advanced biological technology, it’s now considered probable that future petting zoos will include both the extinct Dodo bird and the legendary (and fictional) high plains Jackalope.

Whether DNA is used to reproduce long-extinct animals, or to create bizarre combinations of very different species, biotech promises to provide humanity with an enormous, limitless source of future amusement. Young children visiting petting zoos will encounter the whimsical and bizarre creatures once relegated to fantasy storybooks.

Imagine cuddling a cute, furry Jackalope (while carefully avoiding the horns), or laughing at the silly-looking Dodo.

Humankind’s endlessly amusing future will feature a mind-boggling variety of freakish wonders!

Why super horny people are interesting.

Sigmund Freud was interested in horny people.
Sigmund Freud was interested in horny people.

I’ve observed that super horny people have a tendency to be very interesting.

I can think of several reasons for this:

1. Super horny people have numerous amazing stories. And amazing stories are always associated with interesting people. Take, for example, the story of Elijah Goldfarb’s improbable conquest of Billy Johnson’s big fat drunk grandmother. Or the story of the thrill-seeking adventurers who went helmet diving in Jamaica and had an underwater orgy.

2. People who are super horny tend to be uninhibited. They’ll have wild sex almost anywhere. At any time. That makes them endlessly interesting. You might recall the instance of the farmer in Essex who built a sex den in his barn loft, and how at a hundred years old he still satisfied the ladies. Or that feature on the local news the other day: how spontaneous sex in women’s shoe stores is becoming quite fashionable. Amazing uninhibited horndogs are all around us. I know an interesting fellow who will always be remembered as the man who had sex in every seat in Dodger Stadium.

3. Extra horny folks are energetic. It’s hard to keep up with them. While you go about your normal, humdrum life, they’re pounding away and having loads of interesting fun.

4. The very horniest people often have a variety of fascinating lovers, affairs, fetishes, erotic toys, kinky rituals, piercings, perversions, addictions, personal issues, pregnancies and diseases. This enhances their life stories and makes them really interesting.

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

Another angel with wings.
Another angel with wings.

If angels have wings, heaven must have an atmosphere.

If heaven has an atmosphere, heaven must contain molecules.

If heaven contains molecules, it must have scientific laws.

If heaven has scientific laws, it must contain scientists.

If heaven contains scientists, it must contain methodical doubt.

If heaven contains methodical doubt, it must allow disagreement.

If heaven allows disagreement, it must be full of discord.

If heaven is full of discord, it must be rather chaotic.

If heaven is rather chaotic, it must not be blissful.

If heaven isn’t blissful, it must be somewhat hellish.

If heaven is somewhat hellish, it isn’t heaven.

Which is impossible.

Therefore winged angels must not exist in heaven.

The potential existence of non-winged angels in heaven will be considered at a later time.

How to confuse your enemies and escape the jaws of danger.

Perhaps run into this maze and buy some time.
Perhaps run into this maze and buy some time.

You find yourself trapped in a corner. You must act fast. You are faced with imminent peril. The enemy is closing and you cannot run or hide

How do you save your sorry skin? Do you turn the other cheek? Do you plead, grovel and submit?

NEVER!

So what exactly do you do?

You employ misdirection. You surprise, confound and daze your enemy. You do the improbable. The absurd. The incalculable. You throw a monkey wrench into their sorry noggin. You short circuit their neurons.

Fortunately, you’ve memorized a number of effective lines that will take even your most dangerous foes aback. Speak these lines clearly and forcefully and your enemy will be completely confused. They’ll turn into jelly. Their head will explode!

Look your enemy fearlessly in the eye, then say:

Freak Of The Loin

Societal Echo Of The Incomplete Stew

Haven Of The Glowering Sizable Toilet

Radical Screw Starring Clown Fallout

Ungrateful Moose Scared Of Pencils

Alpha Snark

Fuzzy Worm And The Blistered Wolf

Sullen Sound Beyond The Energetic Glue

Congregation Rasping

Assassination Pill With Orbital Creatures

Toothbrush Slave Commitment

Lunacy Of The Didactic Godmother

Tension Of The Failing Alternate Disco

Pants Furry With Nervous Kharma

Serious Frenzy And The Dose

Catatonic Junction Beyond Haunting

Pig Moron

University Of The Bohemian Slip

Enthroned Battery-Powered Skunk

Seething Pacific And Another Coyote

Titanic Sunshine Winning Tragedy

Blooper Bacon For Loathing Slot

Sickness Of The Drooling Dictionary

Sparkling Fork Of Snoopy

Orchestra Hippie Of The Lunatic Window

Breakaway Snake With Smelly Potential

Sagging Maggot

Indecent Weakly Explicit Folk

Conflict Of The Uniform Audience

New Committee Tasting The Clap

Dyslexic Inner Madman

Molten Frog Now Assuming Freeway

Pickled Nose In The Corner

Somatic Horse With A Cramped Tortilla

Rancid Face Of The Astute

Groin Pirate

Hardcore Yawn And The Lesbian

Caustic Zapped Idiot

Damned Cowhide And The Beautiful Octopus

Plague Of Dripping Dreamers

Dissonant Flaming Sauce With Fly

Investments Of Half Paragon

Droopy Balogna

Clanking Aphrodisiac And Remedy Boob

Robo Fist

Fleece Of The Girls

Belief Of The Jelly Mustard

Stuck Grinder Wildest Elation

Flour Buddy Not Beside Worship

Pile Justification And The Latex Calf

Vision Flurry Betrayal Of Pharoah

Small Typhoon Alibi

Automatic Bullet

Idiot Candy

Corrupt Truth Of Zapped Timeline

Spider Opposite Diving Into Nibble

Snide Clown

Orbital Lockjaw Lateral Trout

Ladies Lockjaw

Pushy Stereo Limited Standard Squishy Plunger

Last Episode Glimpsing Revoked Manifesto

Your Vomit Of Communication

Fluorescent Groin

Premium Tribal Drone Of Vader

Transport Of Juicy Cat Suspense

Downtown Fluid

Yodel And The Blind Devoted Expedition

Jesus Jelly Solo Secretion

Didactic Advantage

Good Apparatus Pulsing Breast

Smog Barnacle

Turmoil Of Leather

Train Of The Tenacious Rocker

Abducted With The Monster Baby

Sucking Eggplant

Knee Of The Plaid Groupie

Hideous Focus Under Unnamed Prick

Before Mayhem The Sonic Of Surfing

Sump Funnel

Death Muse Of Hectic Spool

Assuming Fiddler And The Chafed Junk

Bong Radiator Of The Negative Rival

Strategic Transvestite

Fiddling Flea The Dizzy Rag

Association Without Mankind

Television Dialog From Hell’s Proxy

Public Lick Delirious

Member Squat

Satanic Dork

Once your enemy is baffled, befuddled and bedazzled, and their brains have exploded making a big, sticky mess…then you run for it.

Fan messages to Stickboy of Compressorhead.

Robot with no musical ability.
Robot with no musical ability.

The heavy metal band Compressorhead is taking the world by storm. The robot band, featuring Stickboy on the drums, Fingers on the guitar, and Bones on the bass, has become an international internet sensation in just a few short days.

With his steel mohawk and wicked drumming, Stickboy has emerged as the band’s favorite member. Millions of fans, groupies and geeks are doting over the cybernetic sensation, sending messages to the manic musician of their unequalled affection.

Here are a few excerpts from those messages:

“You rock, metalhead! You’re the real thing!”

“I love your sweet drumming skills. It’s way cool you have four arms. Could you spare a couple for me?”

“You guys have such energy! You make the Strolling Bones look like gaunt, lifeless humans!”

“I dig the mohawk, dude. I’m gonna unscrew my devil horns and screw in some steel spikes.”

“You’re so hot. Once you’re wheeled backstage, can we maybe hookup?”

“I’d really like to see you guys do an Unplugged album.”

Save the planet: recycle chewing gum.

Save the planet by recycling gum.
Save the planet by recycling gum.

Are you environmentally conscious? Do you care about Earth’s fragile ecosystems? Do you want to become a true environmental hero? By recycling your old chewing gum, not only can you save the planet, but possibly the entire cosmos.

Here are the simple techniques for reviving your ancient, thoroughly chewed gum. You’ll save forests, the oceans, and even penguins!

However healthy it might be, I would not recommend using broccoli. Broccoli produces oxygen; and without oxygen our Mother Earth would wither and die.

Body Armor made of Legos

Legos would look more cool.
Legos would look more cool.

Okay, so you’re not inclined to defend Canada or drive about in an invisible tank (see last post). And you can’t afford Kevlar. But you still need an extra layer of personal protection. (You needn’t explain why.)

Why not assemble some custom body armor made of Legos?

As you might imagine, manufacturing your own Lego body armor is a snap. And should a direct hit shatter your armor, simply reassemble. With a little creativity, you can make your armor look really neato. Just like the body armor in Halo, for example.

I’m going to dump my old box of Legos onto the floor and piece together a really cool red and white checkered Batman suit.

One very weird cult.

Not sure which cult this guy belongs to.
Not sure which cult this guy belongs to.

There are loads of religious cults out there. Average, ordinary, everyday people happily worship all sorts of strange stuff: from godlike space aliens, to arcane deities, to historical figures and celebrities, to pseudoscientific concepts and other things that seem just plain absurd.

Here are ten rather odd cults.

Included is a cult that literally worships a sports hero.

The Church of Maradona reportedly has over 80,000 members, and they worship at the (quite capable) feet of Argentine soccer superstar Diego Maradona. Followers are inspired to name their children Diego, strictly obey ten religious commandments, and faithfully recite the prayer “Our Diego”.

I’d convert, but I’m presently a member of the Church of Fish Burritos.

A huge load of awesome gag gifts.

Wow--the perfect gift for a stoner.
Wow–the perfect gift for a stoner.

Thinking about a loved one’s upcoming birthday? Don’t know what sort of present to give? How about a gag gift? Get a guaranteed laugh or groan or ugly stare. Liven up the party!

Pranks and practical jokes are always appreciated. Well…at least they are appreciated once in a while. So you need to find a really weird and inappropriate gag gift such as a toy parrot that randomly squawks out loud insults, or a rude crude ass-shaped ashtray, or fart spray, or perhaps some pickle-flavored toothpaste.

Here’s a great blog with links to all sorts of awesome and creative gags.

Give these gifts at your own risk.

The famous pig latin translation algorithm.

Not sure how this translates.
Not sure how this translates.

I found a nifty website that translates English to perfect pig latin. Very useful indeed.

I thought you’d enjoy this pig latin translation of Shakespeare’s famous soliloquy from Hamlet:

Otay ebay, orway otnay otay ebay: atthay isway ethay estionquay:
Etherwhay ‘istay oblernay inway ethay indmay otay uffersay
Ethay ingsslay andway arrowsway ofway outrageousway ortunefay,
Orway otay aketay armsway againstway away easay ofway oublestray,
Andway ybay opposingway endway emthay? Otay ieday: otay eepslay;
Onay oremay; andway ybay away eepslay otay aysay eway endway
Ethay earthay-acheway andway ethay ousandthay aturalnay ocksshay
Atthay eshflay isway eirhay otay, ‘istay away onsummationcay
Evoutlyday otay ebay ish’dway. Otay ieday, otay eepslay;
Otay eepslay: erchancepay otay eamdray: ayway, ere’sthay ethay
ubray;
Orfay inway atthay eepslay ofway eathday atwhay eamsdray aymay
omecay
Enwhay eway avehay uffledshay offway isthay ortalmay oilcay,
Ustmay ivegay usway ausepay: ere’sthay ethay espectray
Atthay akesmay alamitycay ofway osay onglay ifelay;
Orfay owhay ouldway earbay ethay ipswhay andway ornsscay ofway
imetay,
Ethay oppressor’sway ongwray, ethay oudpray an’smay ontumelycay,
Ethay angspay ofway espisedday ovelay, ethay aw’slay elayday,
Ethay insolenceway ofway officeway andway ethay urnsspay
Atthay atientpay eritmay ofway ethay unworthyway akestay,
Enwhay ehay imselfhay ightmay ishay ietusquay akemay
Ithway away arebay odkinbay? owhay ouldway ardelsfay earbay,
Otay untgray andway eatsway underway away earyway ifelay,
Utbay atthay ethay eaddray ofway omethingsay afterway eathday,
Ethay undiscover’dway ountrycay omfray osewhay ournbay
Onay avellertray eturnsray, uzzlespay ethay illway
Andway akesmay usway atherray earbay osethay illsway eway avehay
Anthay yflay otay othersway atthay eway owknay otnay ofway?
Usthay onsciencecay oesday akemay owardscay ofway usway allway;
Andway usthay ethay ativenay uehay ofway esolutionray
Isway ickliedsay o’erway ithway ethay alepay astcay ofway
oughtthay,
Andway enterprisesway ofway eatgray ithpay andway omentmay
Ithway isthay egardray eirthay urrentscay urntay awryway,
Andway oselay ethay amenay ofway actionway. – Oftsay ouyay ownay!
Ethay airfay Opheliaway! Ymphnay, inway ythay orisonsway
Ebay allway ymay inssay emember’dray.

Brilliant and profound, isn’t it?