Tag Archives: christmas

A festive middle finger for my Christmas tree!

Put a FUCK YOU finger ornament on your festive Christmas tree this year!
Put an inspiring FUCK YOU finger ornament on your festive Christmas tree this year!

I love the internet. Life has become so much better with it. The coolest stuff ever imagined can be easily found and delivered to your front door with only a few clicks.  It’s so convenient!

Take for example this festive middle finger Christmas tree ornament. It would look great among the angels, chains of popcorn and holiday candles. I’m going to get one!  It should be here in a few days, just in time to impress my dear mother-in-law!

Merry Christmas!

Make the most of a horrid Christmas gift.

Yes, it's hideous.
Yes, it’s hideous.

A promising New Year has begun! Your annoying Aunt Matilda has returned to Sheboygan. Now what should you do with that gruesome sweater she so generously gave you for Christmas?

Here are some creative ideas:

1. Regift the ugly thing to your worst enemy.

2. Wash repeatedly in hot water. Convert the ghastly thing into a snug outfit for your chihuahua.

3. Wrap the awful, unsightly thing around a two by four. Makes a great scratch post for your kitty.

4. Dip that sweater in soapy water. Use it to dislodge grime from your car’s hubcaps.

5. Add to compost pile.

6. Cut into small squares to glue under the legs of wobbly furniture.

7. Make a hideous (but practical) seat cover for your child’s Big Wheel.

8. With a little imagination, convert the horrid sweater into a colorful welcome matt. (Good for wiping feet.)

9. Convert the dang thing into thermal underwear. (After all, thermal underwear is supposed to be itchy.)

10. Regift it to dumpster divers.

How to get more stuff from Santa.

This kid will not get much stuff.
This kid will not get much stuff.

Here are several effective ways to get more stuff from Santa Claus this Christmas. Try one, or all. Do not practice where illegal.

1. It might be foggy. Or blizzardy. Install helpful reindeer runway lights on your rooftop.

2. Santa’s weight-loss plan isn’t working. Clear all obstructions from your chimney.

3. Clear up more gift space by chopping off the lowest boughs from your Christmas tree.

4. Loosen up Santa with a plate of rum cookie balls.

5. Mail Santa a letter. Remind him that you have indiscrete pictures of him with an elf.

6. Wait up late in festive red and white fur-lined lingerie.

7. Wait up late to ask him for tangible proof of his existence.

8. Wait up late disguised as an irresistibly cute, curious, sleepy-eyed tyke.

9. Hijack the sleigh.