Many have suggested that Batman isn’t really a superhero. They’ve put forth the theory that the Caped Crusader is nothing more than a sad, ineffective, lonely guy. And a bit of a creep.
I have two photographs which tend to give weight to this theory.
Here are rare photos of sad Batman out on a lonely walk down a city sidewalk, ignored by hundreds of passing citizens. The bat-obsessed fellow just shuffles along, seemingly in a daze, hiding from the cold, cruel world behind his black costume and bizarre mask.
Perhaps he identifies with the small, hated, flying rodent that is blind and hides all huddled up in darkness underground. Sad Batman seems to head nowhere, a lone figure, an anonymous soul, hungry for human contact, but shunning it.
Just in case you’d like to act extremely weird on a public bus, here are a few good ideas:
1. Show riders a map of New York and ask them for directions to Lake Michigan.
2. Ride in the front seat and act as a colorful tour guide.
3. Tell nearby riders that you’re Elvis.
4. Grab the nearest pole. Pole dance.
5. After slipping on Groucho Marx glasses, test a few of your new snappy jokes on a captive audience.
6. Duck behind your seat and provide a finger puppet show.
7. Use the hand straps for gymnastics.
8. The aisle is your stage. Be a mime!
9. Flap your arms like a chicken.
10. Tell a random stranger “Good morning.”
There are bound to be some extremely good reasons why you shouldn’t eat a large pepperoni pizza.
But I can’t think of any.
This beer fart extinguisher is the weirdest gag gift in the entire known universe. I’m not sure if it works on gas that’s been ignited. You might want a soothing cream for that.
Forget Bluto. I have photographic proof that Popeye, while on shore duty, is nothing but a no-good juvenile delinquent. Not only does he run about punching people in the nose after littering the city streets with empty cans of spinach, but he’s an unscrupulous tagger who’s vandalizing walls, fences, and even these signs. We know who you are Popeye. Someone round him up and throw him in the brig!
This weekend I’m heading to my favorite picnic bench. I’m really going to enjoy myself. After I really enjoy myself, I’ll be in a state of advanced relaxation. If I’m on the ground, please don’t fret.